The Blog of ratfink

I programed my mind to wake up a little too early but I wanted to be number one or number two to vote at the local polling place at a fire house at 5:45 AM and after a poll worker voted at six AM EST, I was the second person to vote, I have drank some two cups of reglar cofee and will watch the election results till there is a winner a new President elect

My male stresss signals have been not sending when I am under stress, a female a woman would either softly hum, or softly sing,, what world of diffrance that would be if female soft soothing huming would stop men from wars or acts of terrror, just as I have typed before, too bad in this second typing there is not a CD made of many women softly humming or soft soothing singing?

One more day and no more TV presidental mud sliging ads on TV, and soon after two years this US will have a new President , its going to be I hope a short night Tuesday night for to see who becomes president elect of the USA. I really have also gotten tried of books on either candate that are at the local public library, and also any books about President Bush, I hope they are taken off the book self after November 4, 2008.

I have not eaten any beef in awhile and yesterday eating out of the house, I had my first hamburger beef burger in a long time, the meat tasted strage, I have only been eating on my diet chicken and turkey and vegtables, yet eating my first burger in some time , it was not good,  I guess I don't like red meat anymore.

Just checking in this morning my day of being active has not started yet. But I am counting down the time to be active going to the local public library in 20 minutes.

I normally have screamed in the past but this time I did not sceam as the person on the biycle passed by me on the sidewalk in the town where I live; I still have PSTD no medication can ever cure it, my socail worker nurse was correct about that. I have sceamed in the past last time was in early June of this year. Yet when I was pushed by a drunken man back in April 18, 1996 the  fear and thanks to Carol a crisis worker for telling me, I still think of Carol the hotline crisis worker, who came in the booth in person and talked to me with her very soothing voice, that was back in 1996 I still think of Carol in 2008

Hello Everyone,  I was helping my wife at a local street fair on Sunday, with manning an information tent, I did wander around seeing smelling all the street vendor food and hearng live music, my town, holds two street fairs two times in one year, a spring street fair and a fall street fair

Today wee hours like 3 AM I woke up with  some pains all over me, but I tuned to my colored pencil colored crayons and did some draws,  modern art draws of disigns that I do myself, using the color pink soothed my innerself.

Asking the group what news can I watch if any that does not have the very stressful news with the polical house on capital Hill Washington DC today, what other things can I do rather then watching reading or listening too all this very upsetting and stressful news?

It was not normal for me to relax my guard agiast biycles or other pedistains walking by me, I would normally look every so often  while walking the streets of my small town, but around 6:30 AM EST, a woman stranger passed by me and said in a very , very soothing female voice, " please exuse me sir for passing without you notice me", I was not scared at all, and I was about ready to tell the woman, that she did not scare me, her soothing voice was the key this time, and with my PSTD, it helped control it a soothing female voice from stanger. Living with PSTD can still be very hard, but  go on with my normal life day  by  day

My inner self has still not let go of when a drunken man, got off his bicyle and pushed me a man, agaist a brick siding wall  but that happened back in 1996, and that was a long time ago yet , still get nighmares where I talk and scream and my theapist says I have to deal with it the best I can but its wearing me out mentally, mental health inpatient is not the anwer even my theapist says they don't admit people who have problems with out of control PSTD, I have let the problem go but PSTD, still there for my lifetime, I wish the flash backs and nightmares etc, would stop!

I stand to correct myself, the family gathering are the same old , same old , and since my wife funny uncle passed away many years ago, Christmas with wife side of the family and also being without  my father in law, he died too, Christmas Eve, and too many childern and the same old boring things at my side of the family also. Makes me want to spend Chirstmas both eve and day alone but my older brother and theapist say its a time to be with family oh I wish I could prove them 100% that I am right and stay home but my wife would be angery at me and so would my older brother

oh know Chistmas coming soon, caregiver reminding me gift buying time agian, same old supid crowd at my older brother home Chistmas day and way before that no so fun Chistmas eve, oh if older brother were not so powerful I wish I could just spend it home alone, and still prove  the mental heath nurse of mine wrong, yet I married so oh boring Chistmas Eve and day months away but still reminded yet it is September this whole thing is getting me feeling down! Yet Chistmas is months away and closing in oh boring soon, won't be here before you know it!

I have had PSTD, and just a short time ago my wife, opened the office door and said are you here, I jumped and as I am typing this blog I am slowly recovering from a panic PSTD attack, even at a meeting when I another man tapped me on the shoulder I jumped, he said he was sorry, my wife feels bad I know it, yet I wish my inner self would let go and I would not have PSTD, like I still have it for 15 years still , how and when it will leave me alone, and go back to normal, life without PSTD, when will PSTD ever leave me?

Oh please no tropial storms, Ike its on its way and another one, but please spare me another Hanna, it almost was like Floyd but at least the tap water was not contamined , at least the spring that feed into the water company this tropial strom didd not affect it compared to Tropial storm Floyd in 1999, where you could not drink, shower or any kind of washing, clothes, or dishes etc. The tropial storm that come to the Alantic east coast always will scare me!

I surived tropical strom Hanna, me living on the East coast, New Jersey, I stayed indoors and the land my home is on no damage to it compared to tropical storm Floyd back in 19999. I read a book and it says go on with life after you morn the dead or dying so I am happy agian, living life to its fullest, my cousin J., since he was Aunt R, son still needs time to recover from his mothers death

To anyone reading this blog, I got an E mail sent to many people that my Aunt Rhoda, died in her sleep last night, I am sad but I morn her death, I celebrate her very long life

I took a ride with my older brother down to the NJ shore, and stay at my older nieces shore house for a few hours, then it was onto the shore arcade skee ball I played seven dolllars with of 50 cent game per nine balls, rolled, I did get a fare score but did not do so well on Sunday the last day of August. I felt happy then, now I am still wondering when my Aunt R, will go to Heaven she is dying in the hosptial she is 99 years old. Today I went walked twice for two newspapers in the daylight hours

I try to tell my inner self, Aunt R, at 99 years old when she dies , she is waiting to die in a hosptial on the west coast of the USA, not knowing when her blessed death is going to happen , yet I have tried to tame my inner self and the stress is causing stress on my tummy, so anti acid medication over the counter I am taking, follwing directions, I need urget advice from any one reading this on how to cope with a loved one so far away, and how to cope with a pending death, its getting too be alot of stress not knowing and checking my E mail often anything from cousin J,

My 99 year old Aunt is on her way well she is in the hosptail and waitng for the Lord to take her home, and her son etc, are praying that her death will come soon, and be over quicly, I am waiting she is in a state out west, and I am on the east coast, so its hard on me too, but her death will be a blessing

I like even though I take some medication for sleep when I am a very creative mood to caffine it up with a couple cups of coffee and stay up past midnight and into the wee hours of the morning listening to music new age so soothing relaxing but when my wife and caregiver come and talk watch TV court tv, I my creative mood is not too good so I do like people sleeping hours, and myself wee hours to do my crayon, colored pencil art work

I am relaxing for the night and don't want to go to bed stay up drink a couple cups of coffee, go to bed two or one AM, do crafts listen to New age music on cable TV

Today Monday, I am going to be more active mainly with my caregiver coming soon, I still hurt but not as much with now recoving from the flu I had along with a bad infected ear left that I have had for two weeks now it did get worse over the weekend but , ear drops are helping ease the pain. I am on this web site longer time reading etc, feel up to more computer online today

It's 3:45 AM EST; last night I slept from 7:30 to about one in the morning this morning, I really like it when know one is aroud at those wierd hours, so I can listen to my cable newa age music in peace and quiet, yet I have not taken my sleeping medication due to being off time in two nights, no problem at all, but during the wee hours of the morning I can do things just for me, myself and I. Do others who don't work but are retired feel the same way?  My wife is sleeping and my cat too,  I just like being alone , I feel good about myself.